Fresh from graduation the rookie policeman called the precinct to report his first robbery: "Chief, a man has been robbed down here and I've got one of them."
Chief: "Great job. Which one of them do you have?"
Rookie: "I have the one that has been robbed."
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Morris," said grandma, "you've been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
Dispatcher: Nine one one. What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks. Why?
On a street where the speed is limit is 30 mph, the police stop a driver. "Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?"
"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic."
"Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."