A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Bill Brown as a drug dealer. He is hiding drugs in his firewood."
"We will check it out."
Next day, the FBI come over to Brown's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no drugs, and leave. The phone rings at Brown's house. "Hello, Bill! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable garden plowed up."
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.
“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.
“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”