Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you...err... broken wind yet?"
"No."
"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
A man sees a job advert published on a building site, "Handy man wanted; apply within." The man goes to speak to the foreman and applies.
Foreman: "Can you drive a forklift truck?"
Man: "No."
Foreman: "Can you plaster?"
Man: "No."
Foreman: "Can you brick lay?"
Man: "No."
Foreman: "If you don't mind me asking, what's handy about you?"
Man: "I only live five minutes down the road."
Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it?
Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated.
Three very mischievous old ladies are sitting on a park bench when they see an old man walk by. "Say, fella," the first lady says. "I bet we can guess your age."
The man pauses and looks at them skeptically. "Guess my age? that's impossible."
"C'mon, we'll show you," the second lady says. "First, we'll need to look up your nose." Embarrassed by the notion but wondering if the ladies truly knew something, the old man walks over and lifts his head, enabling them to look right up his nose.
"Okay, now stick one finger up your nose, one finger in your ear, cross your eyes and sing Danny Boy in a loud voice." the third lady says. The man then does so; the ladies muse for a few moments, before saying, "You are 87 years old."
"Why, that's incredible," the man gasps. "That's absolutely right! Tell me, how were you able to tell?" He had silently wondered how all of these seemingly random methods had enabled the ladies to find out his age.
The ladies reply, "We were at your birthday party."