Best Jokes

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, "Do you mind waiting a bit?"

I replied, "Not at all."

"Good," he said, "Take these drinks to table nine."

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady.

"Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Well, it should," said the vet, "It stopped ME!"

Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays. Norma said, "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them."

Sonia said, "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."

"Wow," remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that."

"You can, Norma, you can."

"How?" Norma asked

"Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the check."

I was walking past a farm and a sign said 'Duck, eggs!'

I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma..."

And then it hit me.