Best Jokes

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It
writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Two brothers, Ralph and Dexter, had the same routine every Sunday morning. They would each grab a 12 pack of their favorite brew and head out for a day of hunting.

They had their special field that they went to every time, but for the past few weeks their spot was really slow. They sat in their field for hours without seeing a single bird. They finished their beers and were getting very bored. So they finally decided that it was time to find a new spot.

So Ralph and Dexter stumbled through the fields laughing and carrying on until they saw this field behind an old farmhouse just full of geese. The brothers new that they would have to get permission to hunt on this farmer's land so they used paper, rock, scissors to decide who would be the one to ask.

Dexter lost and headed up to the house to ask, while Ralph waited behind. When Dexter got up to the house the farmer said it was fine for the boys to hunt, but he had a favor to ask of Dexter before they started hunting. The farmer said,

"my prize mare is very ill and must be put down and I don't have the heart to do it. Since you are here do you think that you could do the job for me?"

For the opportunity to hunt in the field Dexter said that it would be no problem. So he thanked the farmer and headed to the barn.

Ralph came running behind Dexter to see what the farmer had said. Dexter had a pretty good buzz going and thought that he would play a joke on his young, naive little brother and said,

"That farmer won't let us hunt in his field so I'm gonna teach him a lesson."

"What are ya gonna do Dexter?" asked Ralph.

"I'm gonna shoot one of his horses.", Dexter replied.

So Dexter walked into the barn, took aim and "BANG", shot the horse.

Suddenly Dexter hears a loud "BANG! BANG!

"Let's get out of here Dexter!" Ralph Screams. "I just shot two more!"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,'"

or

“that’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.

Suddenly, she interrupted him

"Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."