Best Jokes

My Uber driver really cares about my mental health.

Just this morning I got a message from him saying: “I’m here for you.”

One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office.

Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"

"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"

An elderly woman in our church congregation had an older-model car that was in excellent condition. As she was driving to town one afternoon, her car was struck by another auto. The insurance company told her that, after considering the car's age, they would give her a settlement on the damage. When the cheque arrived, she was unhappy with the low amount and went to see her insurance agent.

Pulling open his desk drawer, he said, "I have a little blue book in here that says that's all your car is worth."

"Well," she replied, "I have a little black book at home that says, 'Thou shalt not steal.'"

She got a higher settlement.

A husband is about to leave on a business trip, "Honey, if my business requires me to stay longer in that town. I'll send you a card."

"Don't bother dear, I read it already... it's in the pocket of your coat."