Two men are discussing their love lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and telling people your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
THEN YOU MUST BE THE FAMILY DOG!!!
What do you call a fly with no wings?
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"