Best Jokes

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.

After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening he would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."

Kofi walks in to a restaurant and wants to order chicken. Unfortunately, English is not his first language and he can't remember how to say chicken in English.

Kofi sees the guy at the table next to him with a plate with 4 boiled eggs on it.

Kofi points to the plate of eggs and says to the waiter, “I want their mother!"

John was a salesman's' delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 14 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school?"

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Once a doctor invented a birthing pain share machine, where a spouse could share the joys and pains of birthing with their partner. So a couple walks in and was ready for labor and they agreed to try the device.

The doctor diverted 1 % and checked to see how the husband felt, he said he was okay. They proceeded with 5%, 10%, 25% and up to 50% and the husband was still feeling fine. They were proud parents of a beautiful baby and proceeded to head home.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead at their front door.