Best Jokes

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

Morris the cat and Duke the dog were talking with each other.
Morris: "What's up Duke? You look like you're in pain."
Duke: "Mmm er mmme errmmm."

Morris: "What'd you say? I can't understand you."

Duke (pointing off to the side): "Uhhhhh mmmm eeeeerrrrruf."

Morris then looks off to the side where he sees his cousin Felix running away with something hanging out of his mouth.

Duke (still pointing): "Thhhhh eeee rrrrrrf uuuhh!"

Morris: "Oh, I get it. Cat got your tongue huh?"

If a criminal sells illegal tennis rackets on the black market...

Does that make him guilty of racketeering?

Daisy and Bullett, two horses, were talking. "Woe is me!" said Daisy.

"Why so glum, chum?" asked Bullett.

"I really don't feel that down," Daisy replied. "It's just that my owner, Roy, keeps reinforcing affliction and distress upon me. It happens every time we hit the trail."

"I think you're imagining things, " countered Bullett.

"Here comes Roy now, for a ride. I'll prove it to you." Daisy trots off with Roy on his back. They run a half mile or so, then turn around. As they rounded the corner towards Bullett's pen, he heard Roy yell, "Whoa, Daisy, whoa!"

"What'd I tell you?" Daisy shouted to Bullett. "Woe is me!"