Best Jokes

Morris the cat and Duke the dog were talking with each other.
Morris: "What's up Duke? You look like you're in pain."
Duke: "Mmm er mmme errmmm."

Morris: "What'd you say? I can't understand you."

Duke (pointing off to the side): "Uhhhhh mmmm eeeeerrrrruf."

Morris then looks off to the side where he sees his cousin Felix running away with something hanging out of his mouth.

Duke (still pointing): "Thhhhh eeee rrrrrrf uuuhh!"

Morris: "Oh, I get it. Cat got your tongue huh?"

If a criminal sells illegal tennis rackets on the black market...

Does that make him guilty of racketeering?

Daisy and Bullett, two horses, were talking. "Woe is me!" said Daisy.

"Why so glum, chum?" asked Bullett.

"I really don't feel that down," Daisy replied. "It's just that my owner, Roy, keeps reinforcing affliction and distress upon me. It happens every time we hit the trail."

"I think you're imagining things, " countered Bullett.

"Here comes Roy now, for a ride. I'll prove it to you." Daisy trots off with Roy on his back. They run a half mile or so, then turn around. As they rounded the corner towards Bullett's pen, he heard Roy yell, "Whoa, Daisy, whoa!"

"What'd I tell you?" Daisy shouted to Bullett. "Woe is me!"

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country--if they could find the time--and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Pensacola News Journal is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.