Best Jokes

A hiker fell off a cliff and was hurt so badly he had to be air lifted to the hospital. They were wheeling his gurney to the emergency room when a nurse asked, "Are you allergic to anything?"

The man answered, “Heights.”

Once upon a tie there were 3 prisoners about to be executed via firing squad and upon asking the first prisoner if they had anything left to say, he yelled, "Oh my God! Killer Bee swarms!" Everyone panicked and scattered and ran and that prisoner was able to escape.

After all the chaos calmed, they brought out the second prisoner. They did the same asking about last words, the prisoner yelled "Tsunami & Tornadoes!" Once again the crowd scattered and prisoner #2 escaped.

Now, everyone was reassembled and they brought out prisoner #3. Same practice once again. This time the prisoner yelled "FIRE!"

Have you finished your chores?
I had to stay after school and talk to my teacher.

Once again, have you finished your chores?
My teacher said I have selective hearing.

Please don’t change the subject, did you take out the trash like I asked?
Oh, I thought you said Billy had to take it out this week.

Wife: You’re an hour late getting home from work again!
Husband: I had to work late.
Wife: I can see blue chalk on your fingers; are you sure you didn’t stop by and play billiards with the guys before you came home?
Husband: (pause) err ah.. I’m using blue chalk at work to mark our outgoing shipments and white chalk to mark the received shipments. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

The next night he comes home on time and sits down to dinner.

Husband: We’ve been married ten years and you’ve never made TV dinners. You know I don’t like TV dinners.
Wife: It’s not a TV dinner!
Husband: Then why is it in a TV type severing tray and not on a plate.
Wife: (zero hesitation) I buy the tins and cook your entire dinner at once. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.