Best Jokes

I lost a valuable Indian Head penny in my yard the other day. Good thing I have my pet bloodhound Barney. I let him outside to try to find it, and good ol' Barney picked up the cent right away!

An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork. He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner. The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig.

As the rabbi was waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walked in! They immediately saw the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they joined him. Shocked, the rabbi began to sweat. Eventually, the waiter arrived with a huge domed platter. He lifted the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.

"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was 'all torn up'. "What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mamba snake. It has orange and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."

"Go on." the friend said.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward, just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.

"Have you ever 'goosed' a tiger?"

A young man named John applied for a salesman's job at a big department store. It was one of the biggest stores in the world - you could get anything there. The boss said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

At the end of the next business day the boss came around and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said John.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss.

"Well, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe version we have."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered John, "he came in to buy a present for his mother-in-law, who'll come to visit on Friday, so I said to him, 'Well, since your weekend's messed up, you might as well go fishing.'"