Best Jokes

Have you finished your chores?
I had to stay after school and talk to my teacher.

Once again, have you finished your chores?
My teacher said I have selective hearing.

Please don’t change the subject, did you take out the trash like I asked?
Oh, I thought you said Billy had to take it out this week.

Wife: You’re an hour late getting home from work again!
Husband: I had to work late.
Wife: I can see blue chalk on your fingers; are you sure you didn’t stop by and play billiards with the guys before you came home?
Husband: (pause) err ah.. I’m using blue chalk at work to mark our outgoing shipments and white chalk to mark the received shipments. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

The next night he comes home on time and sits down to dinner.

Husband: We’ve been married ten years and you’ve never made TV dinners. You know I don’t like TV dinners.
Wife: It’s not a TV dinner!
Husband: Then why is it in a TV type severing tray and not on a plate.
Wife: (zero hesitation) I buy the tins and cook your entire dinner at once. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

How do two Navy Admirals greet each other?

A NAVAL Salute.

Two best friends were having lunch together. One was trim and the other was rather rotund. The trim friend ordered a salad, his friend ordered a Ruben sandwich with large fries and a milkshake.

The trim one said, "You don't have to eat every speck off your plate; being overweight can put you in an early grave."

His friend replied, "You know I don't like wasting anything. When it's my time to go I plan on filling the box."