Best Jokes

Little Johnny's dad noticed the pet turtle was turning grey and was not going to live much longer. He tried to prepare the boy for the sad event. "Johnny your turtle is not looking so good and he might die. If he does you and I will make a little box for him, invite your friends over and have ice cream, cake, play games, and then bury the turtle under the big tree. Then we will go to the store and get a new turtle."

Dad was satisfied he had done his best and waited for Johnny's response. "Dad," said Johnny after a thoughtful moment, "let's kill it."

Three teenage boys were taking a short cut across a church lawn. In perfect view was a large sign which read: Stay off the Grass.

The caretaker yelled to the boys from the gardening shed, "Hey, can't you read?"

The boys paused, looked at each shrugging. Then one of them looked at the sign, still baffled. He cupped his hands over his mouth to form a loud speaker and yelled back, "So who's smoking?"

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went.

The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking."

"Hmmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting, BUT there's more further up!" and up they went.

Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

The sign on that floor said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."