Best Jokes

Sitting on the couch waiting for dinner, I thought I heard the wife ask which did I want for dinner, "beef, chicken or fish?"

Since it had been a while since I had any, I replied, "fish!"

Apparently that was the wrong answer. The reply I got was that I was getting "soup" as she was talking to the cat.

My grandfather invited me to pick pine nuts with him. We went to the same place he took me jack rabbit hunting as a kid. He told me when the nuts get ripe, the cones opens up and they fall on the ground. He said all we have to do is pick them up.

After a few hours of picking I said, "Grandpa, do know the new technique they use these days sort out the best ones?"

He said, "No, what is it?"

I said, "You put them in water and if they float they're not going to taste so good!"

The Santa Claus at Macy's decided to retire, so management put out an ad for a new one. After going throught the applications, they picked who they thought would be perfect for the job. Carl was rotund, had a full white beard and a jovial laugh.

However, after some time problems arose. Carl would forget to show up for work. Then when he did show up, he would seem disoriented and confused and not remember where he was supposed to be. Other employees would often have to search for him in the store to return him to his post, where children in line would be crying when they didn't see Santa there.

"What are we going to do?" asked one manager.

"I think we're going to have to hire a new Santa," said another. "This one's a lost clause."

The chef discovered why his alphabet soup did not turn out as it should...

There was a misspelling in the recipe.