Best Jokes

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was 'all torn up'. "What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mamba snake. It has orange and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."

"Go on." the friend said.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward, just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.

"Have you ever 'goosed' a tiger?"

A young man named John applied for a salesman's job at a big department store. It was one of the biggest stores in the world - you could get anything there. The boss said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

At the end of the next business day the boss came around and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said John.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss.

"Well, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe version we have."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered John, "he came in to buy a present for his mother-in-law, who'll come to visit on Friday, so I said to him, 'Well, since your weekend's messed up, you might as well go fishing.'"

Two residents of the town voted the dumbest city in the United States went to the local library to find out the origins of this dubious honor. Pouring through the original charters and reproductions of documents on microfiche, they came to some stunning conclusions.

"They didn't even know how to plot out the parcels of land to establish the city limits," said Tom.

"And the first mayor didn't even graduate from high school," added William.

"Looks like they wrote out the township's constitution on toilet paper," Tom remarked.

"Yeah, and look at the picture of the first city council. Who drew question marks above their heads?" asked William.

"It seems like right from the beginning, stupidity was the order of the day." Tom lamented.

At the next council meeting Tom and William went before the citizens and told them everything they had learned about how their city had its initial beginnings. Needless to say, the town was dumbfounded.

A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."