Best Jokes

At a court date the judge asked, “What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?”
“Well, your honor,” replied the arresting officer, “I saw him lift up the manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, “I want to listen to it on my record player.”

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure that he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure that the professor wasn't looking. Then he then turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so dumb. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No.2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

A frantic woman had dialed 911.
“Police, fire, or ambulance?” asked the operator.
“I want a vet!” demanded the panic-stricken woman.
“A vet?” said the operator in surprise.
“What for?”
“To open by bulldog’s jaws.”
“But why did you call 911?”
“There’s a burglar in them.”

Two women were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking man over there… isn’t he hideous? I think he must be the most unattractive man I’ve ever seen in my life!”
“That happens to be my husband!” said the second icily.
“Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.”
To which the unfortunate wife replied, “You’re sorry…?”