(Me) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own 'Command Center'!
(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!
(Me) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!
(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?
(Husband to wife) If I could write a check for a million dollars, I could afford to be eccentric.
(Wife) Keep working at it honey, at this point in time you can only afford to be delusional.
How do you spot a crooked politician?
It's easy... Go to your browser, go to search images, type in politicians... It works every time!
Teacher: "Hello, students! Can anyone tell me, what does the green dot on a 'Tiger Biscuit Packet' indicate?
After a few seconds of silence, one student replies.
"Hello, ma'am. The green dot means that the Tiger is 'Online'."