Best Jokes

Remember when everyone had diaries and got mad when someone read them?

Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when they don't!

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars so I took him to his first car show. He loved seeing all the different models and brands and gushed over the big engines, the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse.

“Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!”

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up.

“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

Lou: Hey Joe. I know the score of any professional sports score before it happens.

Joe: No you don’t. That’s impossible.

Lou: Wanna bet?

Joe: Okay Lou. What’s the score of the Patriots vs the Rams game before it happens?

Lou: That’s easy. The score of the Patriots vs the Rams game is going to be 0-0 BEFORE it happens.