Gladys, a resident at the local assisted living apartment complex, invited her new neighbor to her place for coffee and dessert. Ethel, slightly younger than Gladys, sat down at the table and was anxious to spend time with her new friend.
"Here's your cup, and there's a teapot full of fresh tea," said Gladys.
"What an exquisitely clean cup and saucer," exclaimed Ethel. "How do you get them so spotless?"
"I do the dishes with Joy," exclaimed Gladys. "Would you like a piece of cake now?"
"And put it on this shiny clean plate? I imagine you clean your plates with Joy also?
"All the time," replied Gladys. "It really saves me a lot of money."
After some more conversation, and taking the last bite of her cake, Ethel glances over and sees a furry feline approaching her. "What an adorable cat," she exclaims while taking her last sip of tea.
"That's my little princess! Come here, Joy," as Gladys starts putting the cups and plates on the floor. "We're all finished with our lunch!"
A newlywed couple wanted to invited their friends over for a steak & mushroom dinner. The wife had all the ingredients except the mushrooms. The husband said, "There are plenty of mushrooms growing in the backyard."
"Are you sure?" said the wife. "They could be poisonous?"
The husband replied, "I will give one to the dog and if he is okay, then we can use them."
Sure enough, the dog was given a mushroom and seemed okay, so they used the backyard mushrooms and served steak & mushrooms to their guests. During the dinner, the phone rang and it was their next door neighbor. The wife answered the phone. "I am sorry to bother you dear but your dog is dead."
Frantic, the wife dropped the phone and the couple called 911 and had all their guests sent to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. When she got home, the wife called her neighbor to thank her. "No problem dear, but that car that hit him never stopped!"
A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man, "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis."
Stunned, the man asks, "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"
The doctor replies, "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."
"Will that really help me, doctor?"
"No", the doctor begins, "but it's all we can fit under the the door."