Latest Jokes

A politician died and went to the pearly gates. He peered over the angel's shoulder and saw several clocks. He asked the angel what the clocks represented. The angels told him the hands of the clock only move when someone is lying.

The man saw George Washington's clock on the wall and asked the angel about George's clock. “The hands only moved once. That was the time he lied to his father about the cherry tree.”

Then the man saw the clock that belonged to Abe Lincoln and asked about the hands on his clock. “The hands did not move because he was known as 'Honest Abe.'”

“Where is my clock?”

“Oh, it's in God's office. He is using it as a ceiling fan."

I was a compulsive gambler. I finally quit and told my best friend that I would never gamble again.

He turns to me and says, "Wanna bet?"

A man was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading. After the man read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all that it says here?"

The agent said, "You most certainly have... why do you ask?"

The man replied, "Cancel the sale, this house is too good to part with!"

A guy gets bitten by a zombie but he hasn't completely turned yet. The end of his finger fell off so he handed it to a non-infected man saying, "This can happen to you, now run!"

Before running, the appreciative man looks back and says, "Thanks for the tip!"