Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor.
“MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”
“MAGGIE!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN DOCTOR!”
“And is this her first child?” questioned the doctor.
“NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?"
Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."
"Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here.
Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."