A Quaker farmer was milking his cow when she switched him in the face with her tail. He patiently said, "Cow, thou shalt not do that."
He kept milking until she kicked and sent the half-filled milk pail tumbling across the barn, spilling and ruining the milk. The farmer went around to face the cow and took her horns in his big, calloused hands.
He looked at her and said, "Cow, thou knowest that I am a Quaker and that I cannot strike thee. But cow, thou also must also remember that I can sell thee."
Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small town Ohio girl.
While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.
With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse, "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
Harry walked over to the Priest after services, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary. I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s just out of the question.”
“Oh Harry, Harry” said the Priest putting his arm around Harry. “Don’t you know, that’s what recorders are for.”
Harry’s face lit up, “You mean I could record your sermon?”