Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name."
Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read, "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown!"
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer and he hear a "Dear Harold."
At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, why did you call God 'Harold'?"
The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name.'"
"Daddy, who was Hamlet?"
"Bring me the Bible you ignoramus and I will show you who he was."
Harry the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.
"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."
At this point, Harry gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"