religious jokes

YOU MIGHT BE A PREACHER IF...

- You've dreamed you were preaching, only to awaken and discover you were.

- A church picnic is no picnic.

- You wish people would die at more appropriate times.

- Instead of getting "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."

- You're tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.

- You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's neck.

- Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.

- You sometimes stretch the truth at a funeral.

- You've suffered an anxiety attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit.

- The ideas you bounce off board members really do.

- You get your second wind when you say "And in conclusion..."

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.

At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."