Best Jokes

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "I'm tired of talking about this too, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang. He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?"

The PFC replied, "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."

The man asked, "Do you know who this is?"

"No."

"This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"

The PFC quickly asked, "Well, do you know who this is?"

"No."

"Good, goodbye!"

A mother was taking her two young ones to grandpa’s birthday party. The two kids were whispering in the back seat. One of the children said, "You can’t have a birthday party without a birthday cake."

The other child said, "Yup, that’s right! No cake no party!"

"What makes you two think there won’t be a birthday cake?" asked the mother.

"Are you kidding mom, Grandpa's going to need a garden hose to put that fire out."

Two seagulls were flying toward a very crowded beach. They couldn’t believe their eyes when they spotted a flying cow in front of them.

The one seagull turned to the other one and said, "I have a feeling someone’s going to have a very bad day."