Best Jokes

Why are lawyers liable to go to hell?

They are so full of lies it makes the devil blush.

Two Irishmen, Murphy, and O'Brien grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.

But now, Murphy had cancer and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.

He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brien. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brien walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down.

"O'Brien, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brien bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under my bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into my bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through my kidneys first?"

The pet shop in my town is advertising free chips with every cat.

Me being the funny guy I am, I decided to take their sign and put it outside the Chinese Restaurant.

A Student wanting to measure something asks his teacher, "Sir, do you have a ruler?"

"Yes," answers the teacher, "She's at home watching the kids."