Best Jokes

A homeowner in the former USSR puts a call in to the plumber to request an appointment to get his toilet fixed. The plumber says hold while he looks it up in his appointment book.

Plumber: Okay, I can be by you on a Wednesday, in 3 years, 7 months, and five days from now.

Customer: Will that be morning or evening?

Plumber: Why do you ask?

Customer: Because the electrician is coming in the morning.

Two women were talking on the phone. "Gilda, I just saw an ad on TV advertising a new weight loss program. It's called 'Your Chance to be Slim'."

"I heard about 'Your Chance to be Slim', Olga, and I know some people who tried it," replied Gilda.

"And how did go for them?"

"Not good."

"So what do you think the prognosis is of ME losing weight on this diet?"

"Slim chance."

A first grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here are the results:

* Better be safe than ... Punch a 5th Grader.

* It's always darkest before ... Daylight saving time.

* You can lead a horse to water, but ... How?

* You can't teach an old dog ... Math.

* Love all, trust ... Me.

* The pen is mightier than the ... Pigs.

* You get out of something what you ... See pictured on the box.

* When the blind leadeth the blind ... Get out of the way.

* There is no fool like ... Aunt Eddie.

Two drunk friends called a private taxi. The taxi arrived and saw how drunk and noisy they were. The driver realized the trip would be difficult given their condition. He told them to get in and pretended to drive the stationed vehicle.

A few minutes later he told them they had arrived at their destination. The passengers got out and shouted at him saying, "Was it necessary to drive so fast?"