Best Jokes

Driving down the street in Sydney, Australia, I was pulled over and given a ticket for "failing to yield to a leaping marsupial".

And then I knew the fix was in, when on the citation it stated that I was to appear in Kangaroo Court!

Shirley Temple walks into a bar.

"What'll it be, little lady?" asks the bartender.

Replies Shirley, "I'll have a Me!"

The national vegetation cross-breeding championship was underway, and a couple of ladies were perusing all of the edible fare that were exhibited.

"Look at these strange vegetables," remarked Sally. "Peas cross-bred with carrots, broccoli with corn; how unusual the way they look when farmers do this to our food."

"What are the chances that food as strange looking as these are okay to eat?" asked Mary.

"I think the odds are pretty good," said Sally.

"Well, I think the GOODS are pretty odd." Mary replied. "I'll pass!"

Dr. Stitchem was trying very hard to convince Percy that he should give up drinking.

"Ever notice a cactus plant?" he asked Percy. "If you pour water around its roots it thrives, turns greener, and grows bigger. Take the same cactus plant. Pour vile liquor on it and what happens? It shrivels, it shrinks, it dies. Doesn't this teach you anything?"

"Yes," said Percy. "If you want a cactus growing in your stomach drink water."