Best Jokes

George and Mary were celebrating their 50th anniversary and were spending the night in the famous Washington DC Watergate Hotel. After retiring at midnight Mary recalled the spy story at the Watergate and asked her husband to get up and check the room.

Disgruntled he looked behind the mirror, the pictures, under the bed and finally under the big circular carpet in the center of the room under the chandelier. Mary exclaimed, "There, look, there is a big plate there, look under it."

Fortunately George had his Swiss Army knife and unscrewed the four large screws, finding nothing. Satisfied the room was not bugged they both went to sleep. Upon checkout the next morning the clerk asked them if they had any problems in their room last night. No, they replied and asked why he asked.

He told them that at midnight the room under them had the chandelier fall down in the center of their room.

Ever been told something, but you can't decide if it's a compliment or an insult?

Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you!”

The local pastor was making his annual visit and was invited to dinner at the Brown family. As Mr. and Mrs. Brown prepared dinner in the kitchen, the pastor was sitting with their five year old son in living room.

The pastor asked the boy what he expected they were going to have for dinner. The boy immediately replied, "goat".

Thinking this was rather strange he asked, "What makes you think we are going to have goat for dinner?"

The boy replied, "I heard dad tell mom they were having the old goat for dinner tonight."

Farmer John was in need of money and decided to try to sell his talking cow Bessie. He put an ad on Craig's List and got a call the first day. The potential buyer came over and wanted to see if indeed Bessie could talk. "My name is Ralph, and I'd like to see your talking cow."

Farmer John led him to the barn where Bessie was. "Here she is," Farmer John said. "I'll ask her a question and she'll answer it. Bessie, what do you call a person who borrows money without intending to pay it back?"

"Moooooo….." said Bessie.

"See? She just said mooch! Here's another one. Bessie, if I wake up feeling crabby, I'm in a bad…."

"Moooooo….." said Bessie.

"Right! A bad mood! One more. Bessie, what is that bright object in the night sky?"

"Moooooo……" answered Bessie.

"The moon! Right! So, ready to take her home, Ralph?"

"You, sir, are an idiot! I wouldn't buy diddly squat from you! Good bye!"

Farmer John pondered for a moment, then asked Bessie, "I think that last question still didn't convince him. What do you think, Bessie?"

Bessie replied, "I think you're right. I probably should have said Venus!"