Best Jokes

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

A young couple lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

The woman didn't believe the clerk. The clerk said to the dog, "karate a chair." The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to "karate the table," and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home. Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.

"Karate, my behind!" the husband replied sarcastically.

To this very day, he is still in the hospital.

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and will kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.

''Oh yeah?'' the man asked. ''So where were you when I got married?''

There was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.

The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung outside his door a psychic sign.

An hour later a woman knocks on the door. "I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?"

The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50. If he talks to you, $100. If you both talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."