Best Jokes

Ashlea: I told you, I'm on a strict plant-based diet.

John: Don't worry, these burgers are all plant-based.

Ashlea: Mmm... this is delicious. What plant is this from?

John: Meat-packing plant.

The bank robber enters the bank with his gun drawn in plain sight.

He walks to the middle of the lobby, pauses for a few seconds, turns around a couple of times, and then approaches a teller.

Then scratching his temple with the gun barrel, he says to the teller, "Do you ever enter a room and forget why?"

I feel safe sharing secrets with my husband, as I know he will not share them with anyone.

How can I be so sure?

Because he never listens to me.

The Dean is hospitalized after a heart attack.

As he is lying in his hospital bed reflecting on his near brush with death, an attendant arrives with a lovely bouquet of flowers.

The Dean asks the attendant to hand him the card and finds that it reads, "By a vote of 26 to 3 with 2 abstentions, the faculty wish you a speedy recovery."