Why did the coffee grounds call 911?
Because they GOT MUGGED
Ashlea: I told you, I'm on a strict plant-based diet.
John: Don't worry, these burgers are all plant-based.
Ashlea: Mmm... this is delicious. What plant is this from?
John: Meat-packing plant.
The bank robber enters the bank with his gun drawn in plain sight.
He walks to the middle of the lobby, pauses for a few seconds, turns around a couple of times, and then approaches a teller.
Then scratching his temple with the gun barrel, he says to the teller, "Do you ever enter a room and forget why?"
I feel safe sharing secrets with my husband, as I know he will not share them with anyone.
How can I be so sure?
Because he never listens to me.