(Husband) Honey bunches, since you want me to loose a little weight I’m going to try some of those low calorie chocolate favored drinks.
(Wife) Really? That’s great cuddle bear! You do realize dumpling they’re only used as a meal replacement right?
(Husband) What are you talking about Sandra?
(Wife) What I'm saying is you can’t use them to wash down chilly cheese fries, Frank!
"Did you hear the one about the guy who was writing for an online joke site?"
"No, what happened?"
"Apparently the site kept rejecting his jokes due to poor grammar!"
"What?!?! Everyone knows perfect grammar can sometimes ruin the delivery of a joke!"
"This may be true but apparently you’re not allowed to dangle your participle on the internet!"
A man in a business suit was reading the paper on a crowded subway car yet no one sat within ten feet of him. A rather disheveled man sat down beside him and said, "I can tell the force is within you!"
The well dressed man looked over the top of his reading glasses and replied, "No, actually it passed about five minutes ago."
At the local machine shop, Jim was a long time employee who took a new kid under his wing. Ryan, the new hire, was 20 years younger than Jim. He appreciated Jim's help in teaching him the ins and outs of working in a machine shop. They became fast friends, and after a few days decided to hit the local pub together for lunch. They picked a table near the bar, and while they were waiting for their drinks, Ryan noticed an ornery looking guy at the end of the bar staring at him.
"Wonder what that guys problem is," Ryan said to Jim.
"His name is Vic. A mean son of a gun if you've ever seen one. He's about your age, and I've known him pretty much his whole life. Always looking for trouble."
Sensing that they were talking about him, Vic called over to Ryan, "You talking to me?"
Ryan said to Jim, "I think he's looking for a fight. What should I do?"
"Well," said Jim, "when I was your age, I was about your size. Twenty years ago I could've whooped him."
"If you say so!" Ryan gets up and walks toward Vic. As he approached him, Vic hauls off and bam! Vic Knocked Ryan out cold. As Vic was being escorted out of the bar by bouncers, Ryan was coming to at the table where Jim was applying a cold compress to his jaw.
"I thought you told me 20 years ago you could've whooped him," Ryan said.
"I sure could have," Bill replied. "But 20 years ago, Vic would have been 10!"