I found an ugly creature dead in my son's bedroom. My son said it was an alien brain sucker.
Apparently it starved to death.
Catelin: My Mom has the worst memory.
Amanda: She forgets everything?
Catelin: No, she remembers everything!
My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia.
That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open.
Definition of Epitaph: A belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued.