The Seven stages of man...
Spills, Drills, Shrills, Bills, Ills, Pills, and Wills.
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
Signs are not always what they seem...
IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
An ant walks into a bar with his good friend Mister No, who is not an ant. The bartender says, "I'm sorry. We only serve ants here."
The ant says, "But this is my good friend Mister No."
The bartender says, "Sorry, but I don't take No for an ant, sir."