Latest Jokes

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any floaties, ie... backwash.

9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, "Why is this person my mother?" way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6. A full time cleaning person - period!

5. For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me!"

And #1... Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil neck. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires. So I called him more names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

Ronald and Hillary, opposing candidates for the upcoming local PTA (Parent-Teacher Association) elections, walk into a donut shop for a quick snack. As soon as Hillary gets to the front of the line, she shoves 3 donuts into her pockets.

Ronald says, "Really? You have to steal the donuts?"

Hillary replies, "I shouldn't have to pay for them since i will be the next PTA President!"

Ronald says, "Watch, I will get 3 for free by asking!" When he gets to the front of the line, he asks the clerk, "If i show you a magic trick, can i have 3 donuts for free?"

"Sure," replied the clerk.

So Ronald eats the first donut. "Mmmm, that was tasty." Then he eats the second and third donuts, "Mmmmm, they were just as good as the first!"

The clerk replied, "Where was the magic trick?"

Then Ronald replies, "Poof! Now look in Hillary's pockets!"

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She had made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they had eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she had polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."