Latest Jokes

Mike, Jack, and Gary go for a hike in the woods. They are out about an hour enjoying the sights when they come around a sharp bend in the trail and spot a bear just in front of them feeding off some vegetation next to the trail. The bear lets out a menacing growl when it notices the hikers. Mike says "jump up and down, make some noise to scare it away". Jack says “that won't work, we need to play dead". They both ask Gary “what do we do?" There is no reply. Turning around they see Gary far down the trail behind them.

The difference between complete and finished?
If you marry the right one, that's complete.
If you marry the wrong one, that's finished.
If you marry the right one and then get caught with the wrong one, that's completely finished.

From Readers Digest

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!

A corny talk on the farm...
Do you know what the lettuce asked the radish? Let us be best friends?
And what did the radish answer? You naughty thing, you make me blush! you make me reddish!