A man is stunned when his hot, newly divorced neighbor knocks at his door. He answers eagerly and she asks him, "Are you free tonight?"

He blurts out, "Yes!"

She asks, "Great! Would you watch my kids?"

Interviewer: "What would you consider one of your strengths?"

Me: "I perform under pressure..."

Interviewer: "Can you get give me an example?"

Me: (deep breath) "Mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu ba de PRESSURE, pushing down on me..."

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

My Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.

It’s not like I did anything!