Father to his daughter: “Your date's mother called and said you pepper sprayed her son. I just gave you that pepper spray, what happened?”
Daughter: “Well, we were having dinner and I was looking at the spray container and it said USE BY 6/25 and today is June 25th, I guess I panicked.”
Father: “That would be June 2025 dear.”
Daughter: “Oh.”
Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays. Norma said, "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them."
Sonia said, "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."
"Wow," remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that."
"You can, Norma, you can."
"How?" Norma asked
"Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the check."
My Grandpa used to sit in a rocking chair. He had a recliner, but didn't use it because it wasn't comfortable for him.
So one night when were were over there, Dad tried putting shims under the recliner feet to change the angle, to see if that would make it better for him. While we were doing that, Grandma was rummaging around in the closet and knocked over a box of marbles.
That is forever stuck in my mind as the night Grandpa was off his rocker and Grandma lost her marbles.
My father said I missed parts of the lawn when I cut it.
He told me people are respected when they do stand-up work.
My father has always been a wise man so I followed his wishes and became a comedian.