Sometime after William died, his widow, Beatrice, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"William thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside and handed me three envelopes. 'Bea,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know William is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged William a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Beatrice said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
One morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
"What's the matter?" she called out.
"My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered.
"Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"
One day a husband says to his wife, “Today is a fine day!” Next day he says it again. “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he says same thing, “Today is a fine day.”
Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband, “Since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
"Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you."
A husband came home from work one evening and walked into the kitchen where his wife was cooking dinner. He looked into the pots on the stove and smelled their content.
"Is the Preacher coming for dinner," he asked.
"No, he isn't," his wife replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, you've prepared a burnt offering. I just assumed something religious was going on."