A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."
"What about your wife?" the friend asked. "What did you buy her?"
"A new lawn mower," the golfer said.
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep.He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
My wife had mentioned several times that she hoped I could get our grass mowed this weekend. Well, I procrastinated a bit too long and while I was watching football on TV, there was a 37 yard pass with a spectacular catch for a go ahead touchdown.
I jumped up and shouted, "Oh my GOSH! Did you see that?!?!"
And my wife said, "Yes, I see... what a lovely lawn they have."
His team was 20 points behind and the coach was desperate, so he looked down the bench to his 330 pound tackle that was not his brightest player. The coach called him over and asked him, "If I put you in, can you play ruthless?"
"I sure can coach! Which one is ruthless?"