Did you hear about the nearsighted snake who fell in love with a piece of rope?
A gentleman enters a restaurant and asks the waitress what was on special. She replied, "Today we have lobster tales for 50 cents."
He said, "I'll take a dozen!"
She told him since it was a special he would have to pay in advance which he did. Then she said, "Are you ready for your first tale?"
He assured her he couldn't wait. Then she began... "Once upon a time there was this little lobster....."
A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.
"Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman. "I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her traditional parents and they were appalled by his appearance... leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"