Best Jokes

Sleep.

I don't get it either.

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure exactly where I got it.

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do we call places to put money in 'Branches'?

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Procrastinate Now!

I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you
may have to eat them.