Best Jokes

Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home. The father said, "Let's see what you have accomplished..."

He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. "What do you have to say about this Johnny?"

"Well dad, at least you know I'm not cheating!"

Two snakes are walking down the street. "Oh man, I have to ask you something," the little one said.

"What is it?"

"Are we dangerous? You know, venomous?"

The other one said, "Of course we are, why?"

"Because I just bit myself!"

If Operating Systems were beer..
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.