Best Jokes

Two neighbors living in New York’s stockbroker belt were discussing how they had made their respective fortunes.

One said, “When I came here from Mexico three years ago, all I had was the boots on my feet and a sack on my back. Look at me now: a $10 million house, a $3 million penthouse apartment, three classic cars worth $1 million each, a yacht worth $3 million, and $5 million in the bank.”

“That’s amazing,” said his neighbor. “Tell me, what was in the sack?”

“Twenty-four million dollars.”

A young boy watched his grandfather put on shoes with a device he'd never seen before.

The boy asked what it was. As he handed it to the boy, the grandfather answered, "It's a shoehorn."

After looking at it and turning it over the boy asked, "How do you play it?"

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first...

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death when you don't know one piece of crap from another?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says: “Uno, dos....”*POOF!!*

He disappeared without a tres.