Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”
His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”
Teacher: How many seconds are there in a year?
Little Johnny: Twelve.
Teacher: Twelve? Are you sure?
Little Johnny: Yes. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2....
How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who wants to know?!?!
An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. "I'm a nothing!" she cried. "I can't sing. I can't remember my lines. I can't dance, I can't even act. I really don't belong in show business."
"Why don't you quit?" the doctor asked.
"I can't," moaned the actress. "I'm a Star!"