Best Jokes

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 100?"

A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...

Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!

A woman, a manager and his assistant are sitting together in a train. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it's completely dark.

Then there's this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the assistant are sitting as if nothing has happened and the manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The manager is thinking, "My assistant must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."

The woman is thinking, "The manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his assistant and got slapped for it."

And the assistant is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap my boss again!"