I just had a near-sex experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
I got some Chinese symbols tattooed on my arm that reads, "I don't know, I don't speak Chinese".
So when someone asks what it says...
An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 12 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'”
The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening.”
So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 12 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.
Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the Scotsman adds:
"And we are still waiting for the change!"
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem.
He says,"Give me 2 shots..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot."