Best Jokes

Two Irishmen, Murphy, and O'Brien grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.

But now, Murphy had cancer and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.

He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brien. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brien walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down.

"O'Brien, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brien bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under my bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into my bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through my kidneys first?"

The pet shop in my town is advertising free chips with every cat.

Me being the funny guy I am, I decided to take their sign and put it outside the Chinese Restaurant.

A Student wanting to measure something asks his teacher, "Sir, do you have a ruler?"

"Yes," answers the teacher, "She's at home watching the kids."

A mother and father named their child "Odd". Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.

In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.

And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.

And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."