Best Jokes

Sign on a door:

"Push. If that doesn't work, Pull. If that doesn’t work, we’re closed."

A little girl is in the kitchen watching her mother prepare for the following day's Christmas dinner.

She asks, "Mommy, can I please have a cat for Christmas?"

Her mommy replies, "No honey, you'll have turkey just like the rest of us."

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her on the cheek.

The wife calmed down and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!"

A man comes to his doctors office all battered and bruised. The doctor sees him and asks him how he got injured.

The man said there was a knock at his front door. When he opened the door there stood a six foot cockroach. He said he tried to shut the door real quick but before he could react the cockroach knocked him back against the far wall. He said the cockroach threw him around from wall to wall, punched and kicked him and then just turned and left.

The doctor said, "This is the flu season. I've been trying to contact all my patients and let them know there's a real nasty bug going around this year."