Best Jokes

My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating.

“A cupcake,” she mumbled. “I just got on the scale, and it read 149 1/2 pounds. I decided that was no place to start a diet, so I’m rounding it off to 150.”

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy.

One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer.

Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”

At my ten-year-old’s request, I loaded my Rolling Stones tunes onto his iPod.

"I had no idea you liked the Stones," I said.

"Sure. I like all that old-fashioned music," he said.

"What do you mean, ‘old-fashioned music’?"

"You know," he said defensively. "Music from the 1900's."

A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue he announces, "I love you."

"Is that you or the beer talking?" she asks.

"It’s me," he says, "talking to the beer."