Best Jokes

A kid asked his mother, “Mom, can you buy me those two toys that we had seen at the store the other day?”

His mother replied, “I will buy you one of them. One is enough to keep you busy at playtime.”

Later that day, the kid started doing his homework. The mother said, “Remember that you have two activities as homework today.”

The kid replied, “I will do one of them. One is enough to keep me busy at study time.”

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend he cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo.

At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Mommy in jail."

He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"

The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!”

Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.

“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!”